we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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