I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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