theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
