My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
