i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
