Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
