I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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