Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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