My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
