there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
