Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I will pee on everything he values.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
