Everything about him screamed your future.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
