Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
