all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
