I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
