You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
