so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
