did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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