i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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