Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I intend to get homeless drunk
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize