did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
