Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
