I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
