So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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