YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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