Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
