Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
