Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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