I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
