Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
