Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
