if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
