if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
