I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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