Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
