On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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