he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize