I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
