I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
