Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
