You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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