"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
