What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
