Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
