I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
