I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dignity is for republicans.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
