What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
