i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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