Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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