a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
