First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
