im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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