I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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