dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
