If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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