Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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